Don’t tell me how to raise my kid.

Becoming a mom opened an entirely new world to me. All of a sudden I realized how “stupid” I must be and I met a lot of child “experts”. I didn’t know that popping a baby out of your vagina ONE time made you an expert. Seriously. Apparently that is true though. No. Seriously. I’m not joking.

Okay, maybe its not that true but it most certainly does feel like that. It felt like that from the moment I announced I was pregnant. Suddenly everyone was an expert on what I should and shouldn’t eat. How I should or shouldn’t decorate the nursery, if I should breast feed or not, if I should co-sleep or not. What about delivering the baby? Should I have or not have the epidural. I wasn’t given opinions. I was given orders. Yep. Orders. Orders from my family.

The great thing is that I’m HORRIBLE at taking orders. I just let things go in one ear and come out the other. I’m very head strong and no one would change my mind about what I want to do. Another thing I’m great at is LISTENING to opinions. The unfortunate thing is that, like assholes, everyone has one. People’s “expert” opinions were shoved on me. I was told how to feed my baby, what brand diapers to put her in, how many layers she should sleep in, when she would start on solids, I was informed that I would be making her baby food, I was TOLD how to raise my baby before she even got here.

The worst culprit was my sister in law. She had 2 kids so she was a double expert. She had 2 kids 18 and 15 years ago. Because she had two kids and did things a certain way I was meant to follow in her foot steps. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like my sister in law and everything but one thing we will NEVER have in common is how we raise our children. I believe that she focuses too much on being her children’s friends and not enough on being their parent. The kids call their father by his name, the kids curse at their parents and have ZERO respect for the parents. Oh, and the older one has been allowed to spend the night at his girlfriends (and girlfriend allowed to spend the night at his house) for the past 2 years. Uh yeah. I don’t know if its because I have a girl and she has boys but I find that last one INSANE. I can not see myself allowing D to spend the night at her boyfriend’s house or letting her boyfriend spend the night here. It freaks me out knowing that this is allowed in “our” family. So basically what I’m saying is that my sister in law is probably the last person I’d take parenting advice from.

The legal drinking age in Montreal is 18. The 15 year old has been caught drunk on many occasions. Now I totally get how a lot of you are like, “A beer on a special occasion isn’t going to harm a kid” and lets pretend for a moment that I agree (I really don’t), this doesn’t just happen on special occasion. It happens all the time, randomly, on a boring Sunday night. The parents know and don’t put a stop to this…..yet I’m being told I HAVE to make D’s baby food because its healthier. I’m sure letting your teenaged son kill his liver early is healthy as well right?

If I need advice I’ll pick up the phone and call my cousin. My cousin has 4 kids and never shoves her opinions down my throat. In fact when I was debating breastfeeding or not she was the first to pipe up and say, “Jen, I just want to warn you it is really exhausting on the body it might make your disease worse so speak to your doctor first.” This is my cousin who breast fed her children until they were all 2 years old. This is the cousin who stopped working and became a stay at home mom until all 4 of her children were in school. This is the cousin who slept in her children’s rooms until they were 5 or 6 (blows my mind, seriously). My total attachment parenting cousin NOT forcing her opinion on me as if it is a fact and written in stone what I must do or not do. That’s why I call her. She listens to my question or concern and she tells me what she did and then offers me suggestions in order to fit my personal needs or parenting philosophy.

What I’m saying here is don’t demand I do things. Don’t tell me how to raise my kid because honestly, what works for you may not work for me. I don’t breastfeed, I don’t co-sleep, shes 10 months old and I haven’t switched to milk yet, I DO make her baby food but I WILL feed her jarred food if I’m on the run, I don’t have socks on her all day or have her in footed pajamas. I don’t want to hear you say, “Oh Jen shes not wearing any socks her little feet are cold.” Really? Did you touch her? My kid is always HOT. In fact she doesn’t sleep with a blanket or a sheet. She kicks it off. She’s just HOT. Don’t tell me she needs socks because YOU are wearing socks. I wear socks too. You know why? I HATE toes…nothing to do with being cold or warm.

Basically, I’m open to parenting advice. Really I am. I’m not open to you demanding and dictating how I raise my kid.

Blog Hoppin’ Monday

I’ve decided that I am going to actively try to blog on both of my blogs on a regular basis. One thing that will obviously motivate me to blog more is to know that more people are actually reading the blog. So what did I decide to do? I decided to join in this blog hop.

The guidelines are simple.
Follow the people in the first 4 slots {the Fourth Spot will ALWAYS feature a blogger who participated in the blog hop the week before} If you want the hosts to follow you back leave a comment on their MFM post.

2) Grab the button! Post it in your sidebar or in a post with a little something about you so everyone who comes to follow you has a space to say Hey, Following from MFM!

3) Have Fun. Make New Friends, because it’s cool to be popular

-This weeks fourth spot is Life With Levi-

So just enter your link URL below, make sure you have the button on your blog and have fun!

Oh. I’m still trying to install Google Friend Connect on this blog so you might have to just subscribe…

On Being A Mom

Being a mom isn’t easy. I’d probably say its one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do if NOT the hardest. It’s tough. Being a mom stops being something that you do and basically become who you ARE. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about that. I love being a mom but I also love being me.

I realize that my life will never be the same. I will never go back to being just “Jenny” but I don’t want to lose my identity completely and become ONLY “D’s mom”. I don’t want to become one of those moms that ever single waking thought is about their child. The type of mom who can’t talk about anything other than her child. “My kid does this already,” “My kid got accepted into this”, “My kid hasn’t pooped in 8 days,” “My kid…” “My kid…” That drives me up the wall. I love my kid and I know that she is advanced, I don’t need to brag about it. Sure if you are a parent and you want to compare notes I don’t mind doing it for a few minutes but its not the only thing I know how to talk about.

I’m still me. I still enjoy doing things. I still have a life OUTSIDE of the baby’s every waking breathing moment. Seriously, my life does revolve around D but its not the only aspect in life that keeps me going. (Wait, does it make me a bad mother to say that aloud?)

Being a mom has already taken away a part of my identity. Like, I no longer get to sit down and enjoy a good book during the day because baby needs constant attention and when she falls asleep I’m exhausted, I can’t work out on the Wii Fit because by the time the baby falls asleep I’m exhausted and want nothing more than to just veg out, I don’t scrapbook anymore because while she’s awake she’ll try to eat all of my materials and supplies and when she’s asleep I am exhausted  (see a pattern). I can’t just get up and go somewhere because I risk throwing off her schedule and having to deal with a cranky baby. My trips out now are carefully planned and require a boat load of prepartions: While she naps I’ll prepare the diaper bag make sure I have enough formula for the entire time we’ll be out…a change of clothes…enough diapers and wet ones…oh she’s teething lets not forget some Tempra….I have to figure out where we’ll be when its time for her to have food, will the driving time coordinate with her nap time or will she be awake and screaming the entire time….

I’m not complaining because like I said on Twitter being a mom has taught me more and given me more than its taken away but I don’t want to be “just a mom”. I’m also a woman, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a woman in the process of launching her own business. I’m a person outside of being a mom.

I realize that and I just wish that more people would too. While I love answering questions about how D is doing and how she’s developing it I’d like to answer  a question about “How are you feeling Jenny” “How are things with you”. I think people tend to focus on the babies/children so much that they completely forget to that the parents are also human. I use the term parents loosely because, well, lets be honest, fathers don’t lose their identity. A father is something EXTRA that they are. They aren’t bombarded daily with questions about how the baby is, how is the baby sleeping through the night, does the baby have any teeth yet. Dad’s get a simple “Hey how’s the baby” out of politeness. The person answering usually wants a quick “Oh she’s great” or “She’s been a little pesty this week” with no details.  Fathers have it oh so much easier.

So that is what I’m dealing with this week. I’m trying to find the balance between being D’s mom and being Jenny. I’m trying to find the time to do it all without feeling overly exhausted.

How much help is too much help?

As I sit here typing this blog I’m trying to think of a good title post for it but I really can’t. I feel like giving it the title of “When is it TOO much help” but that doesn’t really sound right does it?

The ones of you who follow my other blog probably already know that my parents live in Texas while I live in Quebec. Needless to say, I don’t get help from my mom when it comes to helping out with the baby. My parents have helped a lot in other ways, (bought the entire nursery, a lot of clothes, all of D’s first (snow suit, halloween costume, Christmas dress, etc), paid for EVERYTHING while we were on vacation in Texas along with other things. They just can’t help out with taking care of D. I can’t be having a bad day and call my mom and tell her I’m dropping the baby off at her place or I need to go get my hair done can she come watch the baby.

D is my responsibility 100% of the time. Okay, well maybe between the time that her daddy watches her while she sleeps and the rare occasion we let my sister, sister in law, or DH’s business partner and his wife babysit she’s my responsibility 98% of the time.  (Okay she’s ALWAYS my responsibility but you get what I’m saying!?) I don’t mind, I really don’t. I wanted to have a baby and I knew that this was part of the deal. I also knew when having a baby that my parents aren’t here to help out and that’s okay. My parents already raised ME they don’t need to raise my baby too!

My friend has her mom living right downstairs from her and she definitely uses her mother for baby sitting services. Like, ALL the time. I thought about why it bothered me so much and I asked myself, “J, are you jealous that her mom is here to help her and yours isn’t”? I really had to think about that. Honestly. The answer is NO, I’m not jealous. Would I like SOME help from my mom, yes. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t the case. Who wouldn’t want help? So why did it bother me so much? I guess its because I feel as if my friend abuses the fact that her mom is so close.

I can pick up my phone and call my friend and 9 times out of 10 her kid will be downstairs with the grandma. If she needs to cook or clean the baby is downstairs. If she has to go to the mall the baby is downstairs. If she comes over here to hang out the baby is downstairs. About 4 nights out of the week the baby sleeps downstairs. All holidays the baby sleeps downstairs. If my friend and her husband go out for dinner and come home after 830pm the baby just sleeps downstairs. It would make more sense to say that the baby LIVES downstairs and justs VISITS upstairs. It’s that the baby is downstairs which is bothersome its that the parents are UPSTAIRS while the baby is downstairs. It’s like they never spend time with their kid and I’m sure the baby is more attached to her grandmother than her own mother.

Now you are probably asking yourself why that bothers me. The reason is because you should have seen my friend go to the lengths she did to get pregnant. She wanted nothing more out of life than to have a baby. A baby was going to complete her world. A baby was going to make her life perfect. She was going to be a 100% hands on mom. She was going to dedicate her every waking breathing moment to her child.  And she hasn’t. That bothers me. I guess its because its so hypocritical of everything she said she’d do….and I can’t stand hypocrisy. Like really, its my biggest pet peeve after stupidity.

Even if my parents lived here I would NEVER take that kind of advantage of them. My parents should ENJOY their grandchild not RAISE her. I wouldn’t want my parents to take over the parent role. I love my parents to death but a lot of things that they did as parents I would do differently. It’s not that they were bad parents its that they didn’t know better. Every generation knows more than the one before them so it makes sense. My parents left the hospital with me as a new born almost 30 years ago. My mom was holding me in the front seat IN HER ARMS while smoking. That was normal. There were NO laws about car seats, rear facing, no smoking in cars with infants. WE know better. We don’t allow it. And yes, while I was visiting Texas my parents did NOT smoke in the car or house. D did NOT go anywhere without being securely strapped into her rear facing car seat.

My mom was all about keeping the house spotless and I don’t really think I remember playing with toys growing up. Back then they didn’t really know that toys HELPED babies develop. Sounds, feeling, hearing are all developed and fine tuned with playing. I’m sure I had toys but I don’t really remember having anything the way D does. I had to explain to my mom that D comes along with TOYS. If she wants to have D at her house when they come up this winter that she HAD to allow D to play…and yes…make a mess.

I trust my parents with my kid but I don’t want my parents to take over the role that I have with her. I’m the mom, I’m the primary care giver, I’m the one who should comfort and console her. Not my mom, not my dad. Me. My child should be with ME the majority of the time. It should be a visit to my mom and dad OR a visit from them. It shouldn’t be with my parents all the time and my husband and I visit our child in another home. It just doesn’t seem right. Why even have a kid if you are passing on the responsibility to someone else?

What really irked me was New Years Day.  Everyone decided to come to my house to have a game day. My friend and her husband showed up with no baby in tow. They stayed 8 hours. Not ONCE during those 8 hours did they pick up the telephone to see how the baby was doing (apparently they left her behind because she was feeling sick and was very cranky). You leave your kid behind on a holiday because they are sick? Wait, you left your sick kid to come here and play Scrabble?!

Maybe I’m just being judgmental (wouldn’t shock me so it shouldn’t shock you) but I just find the entire situation so so wrong.

Do you have help from your parents or in-laws? How much help is too much help?

2011 – Year of the Truth

One thing that has always been said about me is that I’m an honest person. No, seriously, sometimes maybe I’m too honest. You know the difference between beating around the bush and beating the crap out of the bush? I’m most definitely the latter. But lately I’ve realized something. Maybe I haven’t been honest with myself. It’s not that I do it on purpose but I just try so hard to please everyone else that I put myself on the back burner.

So what in the hell am I talking about? I think I’m coming to terms with realizing that I’m NOT a super human and that maybe, just maybe, I am experiencing postpartum depression. Huh? I know it sounds so strange. I was convinced that I wasn’t experiencing this but I might be wrong. When I look up the signs of PPD I have some of them. I don’t have the more severe ones such as thinking of suicide or thoughts of harming my baby going through my mind. I do have rapid and severe mood swings, bouts of crying for no reason, complete irritability, loss of pleasure in most things, no energy and often times a feeling of worthlessness. Doesn’t it sound like baby blues? Apparently baby blues only last a few weeks and we are now at almost 9 months since I gave birth.

How can I be going through something like this? I have an excellent husband who is very hands on with the baby…wait no. He WAS more hands on when D was just a newborn but now its just “play with her”. Everything else is my “job”. It’s my job to change all the poopie diapers, its my job to give her a bath, its my job to feed her, its my job to put her to bed. Now, while I don’t disagree that these are responsibilities a mother has its not solely a mothers JOB. The father can also do these things (we are a non breast feeding family). I can’t really complain because when D wakes up in the mornings my husband will go get her, change her diaper, and bring her downstairs to play for half an hour to two hours so I can get extra sleep. My husband also works, grocery shops, goes to the banks, takes care of the house (cleaning between the cleaning ladies visits) and even cooks. Yes, I know I’m lucky but sometimes I just wish he’d be more hands on with the baby and leave some of that other stuff. If he’d keep her for a solid three or four hours I could grocery shop, go to the bank and cook as well.

D is a joy. I love her to death and really couldn’t imagine a life without her but sometimes she is such a strain. Sometimes she has very rough days and it makes my day rough too. Nothing is worse than an infant who is dead tired but fighting off their sleep. An infant who is so pissed at the lack of sleep that they grab your hair and pull, pinch your skin and leave marks, screams at the top of their lungs although they are feed, diaper changed, and in your loving arms. It takes such a crazy toll on you. Your emotions are all over the place and you are at a loss.

I find myself yelling at my husband that he is nothing more than a sperm donor when that couldn’t be further from the truth. He is a loving husband and father and he goes out of his way to make me happy but sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough. Is that normal? Is it normal to NOT appreciate your husband because of your mood? Is it normal that your child stresses you to the point that you think you are doing everything wrong? Is it normal to cry along with your baby when you just can’t figure out what they need?

I normally don’t make New Years Resolutions because its something that I am bound to break. I don’t stick to resolutions very well but this year I have made a resolution. I have resolved to ASK for help when I need it. I have resolved to DEMAND that my husband help more with the baby (TAKE her a bath as in this is NOT an option you WILL do this), and I’ve resolved that when D brings me to my breaking point and I want to start crying or pull out my own hair that I will pick up the phone, call DH and ask him to come home so that I can just leave for an hour or two (DH is self employed and is able to do this).

I figure I’m pretty useless to the family if I’m an emotional wreck. If I’m stressed D will pick up on it and be more stressed. I need to be the best mom that I can be and I think that asking for that help will aide me in being the best mom I can be. Putting all the responsibilities on just me isn’t good for me, the baby, my marriage, or anyone/anything.

So there you have it, my first mommy blog post ever! Aren’t you proud? Oh! Did you see how honest I was?!